32ish comedian wannabe. Can eat a burrito in under 3 minutes. Drank all your beer.

1st August 2014

Photo reblogged from Dr. Colossal Man! with 101,725 notes

Source: louiecyphre

1st August 2014

Post with 3 notes

How to live with a sociopath who thinks you’re “competition” for your father:

1. …try not to
2. If financial troubles have forced you to…try to not willfully exterminate yourself.
3. I don’t god damn know. Anyone wanna weigh in, here?

30th July 2014

Video with 5 notes

Fuck all y’all, I’m running away to live in this video.

25th July 2014

Post with 1 note

It’s amazing what a song can do to you.

"Can’t Get it Out of my Head" by ELO comes on my playlist and I’m immediately back on the Greyhound bus to my Grandmother’s with my mom, leaving San Jose. She was probably evicted or an ex boyfriend got weird with her. I had ELO’s Eldorado album in my walkman. This must have been ‘92. I remember listening to it while going through the immense windmill farm in the hills somewhere in between the Bay Area and Tuolomne County. Whenever I think of that album, I can see the windmills in my head.

"Cry Baby Cry" by the Beatles…sort of sounds like John Lennon’s making fun of me right now. Anyhow, The White Album is what I listened to on repeat to get me through a nasty living situation with an insufferable "friend" of my mothers’. She had a brood of horrible children and we had to room with the daughter. That kid had a creepy overstuffed carnival teddy bear looming in the corner that I still have nightmares about. That horrid woman kicked us out to the street and so began my two week stint in a homeless shelter. …I wouldn’t recommend it.

25th July 2014

Post with 2 notes

Right now there are too many roadblocks and I’m tired of plowing into them over and over again.

Most of the time I’m angry with my uncle for what he did, but some of the time I can understand.

25th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Alex Pardee's TUMBLRCULOSIS with 52 notes

pardeemonster:

Would you ACK me? I’d ACK me. I’d ACK me so hard. 
@seanconover just won this drawing at the @zerofriendsart booth with his Grand Prize ticket. More drawings, books, paintings given out all con, stay tuned. And put the fucking catnip in the basket! #zfsdcc  (at Zerofriends Booth #5502)

pardeemonster:

Would you ACK me? I’d ACK me. I’d ACK me so hard.
@seanconover just won this drawing at the @zerofriendsart booth with his Grand Prize ticket. More drawings, books, paintings given out all con, stay tuned. And put the fucking catnip in the basket! #zfsdcc (at Zerofriends Booth #5502)

23rd July 2014

Post with 1 note

I’m still trying to get my claim money and still being driven in circles by Carl Warren and Company. Vincent West is my adjuster’s name (I say that knowing that will do fuck all for getting him in any kind of trouble…I mention it in case any of you have voodoo dolls that need a name), and he will go through long stretches without calling me back, claiming to have been on vacation.

…dude’s used that excuse something like 7 times.

Anyhow, every time I talk to this idiot, I want to die. It’s not an exaggeration, I want to cease to live because this thing will never end and I will see absolutely no compensation for a ruined apartment. I see no way out, I panic, I lose sleep, and I want to stop existing.

22nd July 2014

Post with 7 notes

Actual exchange with a know- it-all shift leader in front of a customer today:

Shift leader: (showing customer a yak milk stick…which is basically a hard, chewy dog cheese) These are actually processed until the fat evaporates. So they’re fat-free.

Me: They’re also lactose-free!

Shift leader: (sharply, to me) lactose IS fat.

Now, see, a woman who hadn’t given up on life in that particular moment would have said “actually, it’s sugar.”

I was not this woman today. So I just walked away and resolved to drink an entire bottle of wine later.

19th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from Raised By Gotham, Taught By Texies with 3,209 notes

dontbearuiner:

chrisisoninfiniteearths:

realdarkmateria:

TNG cast before Star Trek

These are all quite enjoyable, but Hobo!Picard is amazing.

Dandy!Riker is hypnotizing.

Officer Worf’s mustache could kick other mustaches in the balls.

Source: realdarkmateria

19th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Funny Or Die with 964 notes

funnyordie:

Stars Without Makeup: Fictional Character Edition!
Check out these shocking pics of stars like you’ve never seen them before!

funnyordie:

Stars Without Makeup: Fictional Character Edition!

Check out these shocking pics of stars like you’ve never seen them before!