This is a hold-up, not a botany lesson.

1 week ago  /  0 notes

Asked whatever Fearsome Space Deity spies on me from afar to give me a sign that I’d be able to keep this apartment and have money enough to live comfortably any time soon.

…was answered immediately with two cats screwing on porch and Syd Barrett music.

Up for interpretation.

2 weeks ago  /  2 notes

Heidi’s Drunk Macaroni and Cheese Casserole Bonanza

You’re out of work. Your chosen profession has completely dried up (or you’re just not very good at what you do and no one’s had the heart to tell you yet). You owe a check for a number with too many commas for your liking to the landlord who won’t reimburse you for the new porch light you had to buy because the old one fell off one day and a dark stairwell is apparently not the definition of a “hazard” in his mind. You’re also tired of eating ramen noodles flavored with semi-chicken powder and your own tears (for a salty fiesta!). What, then, can you prepare for dinner that both comforts your soul for cheap and tastes better than licking the floor under the refrigerator because a cookie fell down there a few weeks ago and the crumbs may contain enough sugar to help you delude yourself into thinking that life might get better someday?

That’s where I come in.

Heidi’s Drunk Macaroni and Cheese Casserole Bonanza

Serves 2, but be honest—your cat doesn’t count and you’re going to keep eating it until you pass out on the living room rug during a Perfect Strangers marathon anyway. And the cat’s just going to go for your tongue while you sleep.

YOU WILL NEED

~1 to 2 sticks butter. In fact, just put the entire Land o Lakes box in the pan (your only pan). Don’t even bother removing the butter from the box. Cardboard’s basically vegetables anyway.

~Noodles. Don’t have to be macaroni. In fact, they probably don’t even have to be noodles. Just throw some legos in there. Plastic is Nature’s pasta.

~More butter. But you’ve run out, so just spit on whatever you need greased.

~Cheese. Weird store brand singles with word “cheese” in quotation marks OK. So are leftover packets of parmesan from Dominoes (no, their pizza HASN’T improved).

~Milk. Expired not preferable, but you’re too lazy to take the time to make cereal correctly, so it’s been sitting there a while. And that’s what you get.

~Flour for thickening. Elmer’s glue stick OK.

~Most recipes call for bread crumbs, but your bread got moldy a week ago. Use newspaper.

~Beer. Be sure to store near other ingredients so you have incentive to get up off living room rug and start drinking.

~Paul McCartney music, especially “Let ‘Em In”. Because nothing creates the ambiance we’re looking for quite like a four minute song about telling a group of people there’s some guy at the door.

Mix all ingredients together in large casserole dish. Or shoe box.

Have another beer—it helps make your head shut up. Food always tastes better when the cook is in a good mood, so silence anything that keeps screaming “You’re going to die alone” over and over. If it’s coming from the cat, OK to murder it.

Put contents of shoe box (you don’t have a casserole dish and you know it) into microwave. Stare at it a few minutes.

Remember you don’t have a microwave. Realize you’ve now ruined your television.

Eat contents of box raw. Cry because you really wanted to know how that ski trip that Balki and Cousin Larry went on turned out.

Murder a second cat.

2 weeks ago  /  3 notes