32ish comedian wannabe. Can eat a burrito in under 3 minutes. Drank all your beer.

23rd July 2014

Post with 1 note

I’m still trying to get my claim money and still being driven in circles by Carl Warren and Company. Vincent West is my adjuster’s name (I say that knowing that will do fuck all for getting him in any kind of trouble…I mention it in case any of you have voodoo dolls that need a name), and he will go through long stretches without calling me back, claiming to have been on vacation.

…dude’s used that excuse something like 7 times.

Anyhow, every time I talk to this idiot, I want to die. It’s not an exaggeration, I want to cease to live because this thing will never end and I will see absolutely no compensation for a ruined apartment. I see no way out, I panic, I lose sleep, and I want to stop existing.

22nd July 2014

Post with 7 notes

Actual exchange with a know- it-all shift leader in front of a customer today:

Shift leader: (showing customer a yak milk stick…which is basically a hard, chewy dog cheese) These are actually processed until the fat evaporates. So they’re fat-free.

Me: They’re also lactose-free!

Shift leader: (sharply, to me) lactose IS fat.

Now, see, a woman who hadn’t given up on life in that particular moment would have said “actually, it’s sugar.”

I was not this woman today. So I just walked away and resolved to drink an entire bottle of wine later.

19th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from Raised By Gotham, Taught By Texies with 3,139 notes

dontbearuiner:

chrisisoninfiniteearths:

realdarkmateria:

TNG cast before Star Trek

These are all quite enjoyable, but Hobo!Picard is amazing.

Dandy!Riker is hypnotizing.

Officer Worf’s mustache could kick other mustaches in the balls.

Source: realdarkmateria

19th July 2014

Photo reblogged from Funny Or Die with 939 notes

funnyordie:

Stars Without Makeup: Fictional Character Edition!
Check out these shocking pics of stars like you’ve never seen them before!

funnyordie:

Stars Without Makeup: Fictional Character Edition!

Check out these shocking pics of stars like you’ve never seen them before!

17th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from The State with 677 notes

Source: daddymymouthisfullofstars

17th July 2014

Photo with 12 notes

You start to feel better, you can watch videos of him without bawling, your memories start to go from depressing to sweet and happy…then you get to the vet to pick up his ashes and it all flies out the window when the receptionist hands you the pretty wooden box with his name etched into it.

And gross things leak out of your face and you terrify the one customer who just HAD to come in right then.

But he’s home. Thank you guys so much for helping him get there.

You start to feel better, you can watch videos of him without bawling, your memories start to go from depressing to sweet and happy…then you get to the vet to pick up his ashes and it all flies out the window when the receptionist hands you the pretty wooden box with his name etched into it.

And gross things leak out of your face and you terrify the one customer who just HAD to come in right then.

But he’s home. Thank you guys so much for helping him get there.

17th July 2014

Post reblogged from Raised By Gotham, Taught By Texies with 98 notes

rising-superstar:

I dunno why people are calling Benedict Cumberbatch weird looking. I mean look at him. 

image

He looks fine to me. Not my type, but I could see why the fangirls swoon.

Source: rising-superstar

16th July 2014

Photoset reblogged from The State with 21 notes

Source: daddymymouthisfullofstars

13th July 2014

Photo with 6 notes

Great. He’s into the Cabernet. Now he’s going to come down to my room and slur obscenities at me all night.

Great. He’s into the Cabernet. Now he’s going to come down to my room and slur obscenities at me all night.

13th July 2014

Photo reblogged from PAUL F. TOMPKINS IS ONLINE with 1,360 notes

kwmurphy:

7 Mistakes You’re Making with Olive Oil

Shampooing your dog with it.


Pouring it on Lord Denethor and lighting him on fire.


Trying to use it as currency.


Carrying it in a gallon freezer bag and telling people it’s your nephew Walt.


Freezing it in the shape of olives.


Dressing like Popeye and trying to have sex with it.


Using it as a metaphor to describe Johnny Fontaine’s hair to Tom Hagen.

kwmurphy:

7 Mistakes You’re Making with Olive Oil

  1. Shampooing your dog with it.

  2. Pouring it on Lord Denethor and lighting him on fire.

  3. Trying to use it as currency.

  4. Carrying it in a gallon freezer bag and telling people it’s your nephew Walt.

  5. Freezing it in the shape of olives.

  6. Dressing like Popeye and trying to have sex with it.

  7. Using it as a metaphor to describe Johnny Fontaine’s hair to Tom Hagen.

Source: kwmurphy