February 2012
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In Celebration of Women's History Month
As I have become aware that Women’s History Month is upon us thanks to a guy on my twitter feed just now, I feel that I should do something special to honor my gender properly and recognize the struggles we’ve gone through to make it to where we are today. Here, then, are some little known facts, trivia, achievements, and even some mysteries revealed about the half of the population we...
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I bought a groupon for 10 Krav Maga (that’s Israeli street-fighting) classes. If I am not too chicken to use it, expect a newer, more badass me in the coming months. And by more badass, I of course mean “will not automatically wet self when passing by a spooky-looking hedge at night anymore”.
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Anonymous asked: Are you often called to pitch in the 7th game of the world series with the bases loaded, no outs, up by one run and then realize your mom calls time to walk out to the mound to give you clean underwear?
You ever wake up one morning to find you're sort... →
All the people who think I’m a dude are wreaking havoc on my self-identity issues.
LOOK. If nobody on twitter laughs and jokes about me when I die (or whatever replaces it in 2099…robo-twitter? Hover-twitter? Nuclear Fallout Twitter? MySpace?), no matter WHAT idiotic or non-idiotic thing I do to myself (pretty sure it’s going to be Bionic Bear Baiting), ghost-me will be pissed off.
I don’t get offended by much. I’m not at liberty to say why in case any...
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Where the fuck is my Peter Davison fix?
Netflix Instant got rid of “All Creatures Great and Small”. Am suffering violent withdrawal. Confused. Cranky. Up is down. Down is sideways. Sideways is front. Front is pancakes. Am trying to yell at the dog in Yorkshire accent while drinking heavily. NOT WORKING. HELP. GOD HELP US. AAAAAAAGH
January 2012
24 posts
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My milkshake brings all the ants to the yard and they’re like “SUGAR! NUTRITIOUS NUTRITIOUS SUGAR!” and I’m like, “Aagh, talking ants!”
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Transcript from the Golden Globes 2023 where I'm...
Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: So, Heidi, who did your outfit this year? You look womanish.
Heidi: Well, the front piece is by Snuggie. If you look closely, you can see that I actually wrote “Classy Lassy” here on the chest with my own blood. …No, that’s…that’s not my blood. It’s David Spade’s.
(Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid...
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When you have a dream you won a bottle of nail polish remover on a gameshow, go ahead and assume your body is telling you to get rid of the red nail polish remnants on your toes from last October. I’m…I’m just lazy, alright? Most of it’s off. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. I got a fitness ball to sit on in place of a chair. I doubt “bouncing up and down to Louis...
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I wrote this in my 20s, and I apologize in...
Once upon a time in the magical, far-off land of Sparks, Nevada, there lived a beautiful Princess by the name of Uncle Busta Rhymes. Princess Uncle Busta Rhymes was the fairest maiden in all the land. She had long, golden teeth, approximately two eyes, and large hands. Her father was the fair and just King Leanne Rhymes, and her mother was Queen Rhyming Dictionary, who was slightly less just...
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My new year’s resolution is to get murdered by the Doobie Brothers.
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A 2011 Recap by Heidi
It’s not going to be very long because did you know that trying to memorize the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” while binge drinking erases your memory?
I couldn’t remember who I was for most of the year, so I just assumed I was Whitney Houston. Once again, I am really sorry about the bathrooms I destroyed. And for trying to drill a hole into Kevin...
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December 2011
23 posts
“The only bras we carry in your size are $10 more for sizes G and up because fuck...”
– Every online bra retailer ever
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
I'll have to appeal to tumblr, too.
I can’t seem to get up. Can one of you come over here and dangle a beer in front of my face?
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