February 2012
11 posts
1 tag
In Celebration of Women's History Month
As I have become aware that Women’s History Month is upon us thanks to a guy on my twitter feed just now, I feel that I should do something special to honor my gender properly and recognize the struggles we’ve gone through to make it to where we are today. Here, then, are some little known facts, trivia, achievements, and even some mysteries revealed about the half of the population we...
Feb 28th
4 notes
3 tags
Feb 26th
3 tags
Feb 24th
2 notes
I bought a groupon for 10 Krav Maga (that’s Israeli street-fighting) classes. If I am not too chicken to use it, expect a newer, more badass me in the coming months. And by more badass, I of course mean “will not automatically wet self when passing by a spooky-looking hedge at night anymore”.
Feb 23rd
2 notes
Feb 23rd
1 note
3 tags
Feb 21st
25 notes
6 tags
Feb 21st
13 notes
Anonymous asked: Are you often called to pitch in the 7th game of the world series with the bases loaded, no outs, up by one run and then realize your mom calls time to walk out to the mound to give you clean underwear?
Feb 20th
1 note
You ever wake up one morning to find you're sort... →
All the people who think I’m a dude are wreaking havoc on my self-identity issues.
Feb 12th
LOOK. If nobody on twitter laughs and jokes about me when I die (or whatever replaces it in 2099…robo-twitter? Hover-twitter? Nuclear Fallout Twitter? MySpace?), no matter WHAT idiotic or non-idiotic thing I do to myself (pretty sure it’s going to be Bionic Bear Baiting), ghost-me will be pissed off. I don’t get offended by much. I’m not at liberty to say why in case any...
Feb 12th
6 notes
4 tags
Where the fuck is my Peter Davison fix?
Netflix Instant got rid of “All Creatures Great and Small”. Am suffering violent withdrawal. Confused. Cranky. Up is down. Down is sideways. Sideways is front. Front is pancakes. Am trying to yell at the dog in Yorkshire accent while drinking heavily. NOT WORKING. HELP. GOD HELP US. AAAAAAAGH
Feb 9th
January 2012
24 posts
1 tag
Jan 23rd
1 note
Jan 23rd
My milkshake brings all the ants to the yard and they’re like “SUGAR! NUTRITIOUS NUTRITIOUS SUGAR!” and I’m like, “Aagh, talking ants!”
Jan 23rd
2 tags
Transcript from the Golden Globes 2023 where I'm...
Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: So, Heidi, who did your outfit this year? You look womanish. Heidi: Well, the front piece is by Snuggie. If you look closely, you can see that I actually wrote “Classy Lassy” here on the chest with my own blood. …No, that’s…that’s not my blood. It’s David Spade’s. (Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid...
Jan 16th
1 note
3 tags
Jan 15th
7 notes
3 tags
Jan 14th
4 tags
Jan 13th
4 notes
2 tags
Jan 13th
When you have a dream you won a bottle of nail polish remover on a gameshow, go ahead and assume your body is telling you to get rid of the red nail polish remnants on your toes from last October. I’m…I’m just lazy, alright? Most of it’s off. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. I got a fitness ball to sit on in place of a chair. I doubt “bouncing up and down to Louis...
Jan 12th
1 tag
Jan 12th
3 tags
I wrote this in my 20s, and I apologize in...
Once upon a time in the magical, far-off land of Sparks, Nevada, there lived a beautiful Princess by the name of Uncle Busta Rhymes. Princess Uncle Busta Rhymes was the fairest maiden in all the land. She had long, golden teeth, approximately two eyes, and large hands. Her father was the fair and just King Leanne Rhymes, and her mother was Queen Rhyming Dictionary, who was slightly less just...
Jan 10th
1 tag
Jan 6th
Jan 6th
204 notes
2 tags
Jan 5th
1 tag
Jan 5th
3 notes
2 tags
Jan 4th
3 tags
Jan 3rd
1,237 notes
3 tags
Jan 3rd
My new year’s resolution is to get murdered by the Doobie Brothers.
Jan 2nd
1 tag
Jan 2nd
3 tags
Jan 1st
1 note
4 tags
A 2011 Recap by Heidi
It’s not going to be very long because did you know that trying to memorize the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” while binge drinking erases your memory? I couldn’t remember who I was for most of the year, so I just assumed I was Whitney Houston. Once again, I am really sorry about the bathrooms I destroyed. And for trying to drill a hole into Kevin...
Jan 1st
1 note
1 tag
Jan 1st
2 tags
Jan 1st
24 notes
December 2011
23 posts
Dec 31st
Dec 30th
Dec 30th
Dec 29th
1 note
Dec 29th
Dec 29th
“The only bras we carry in your size are $10 more for sizes G and up because fuck...”
– Every online bra retailer ever
Dec 29th
Dec 29th
Dec 28th
3,178 notes
Dec 27th
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Dec 27th
Dec 27th
I'll have to appeal to tumblr, too.
I can’t seem to get up. Can one of you come over here and dangle a beer in front of my face?
Dec 26th
Dec 26th
4 tags
Dec 26th