Transcript from the Golden Globes 2023 where I’m nominated for best supporting actress in a wacky sitcom where my husband’s a lamp

Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: So, Heidi, who did your outfit this year? You look womanish.

Heidi: Well, the front piece is by Snuggie. If you look closely, you can see that I actually wrote “Classy Lassy” here on the chest with my own blood. …No, that’s…that’s not my blood. It’s David Spade’s.

(Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot nods with a shrill *beep*)

Heidi: And the back is Bathrobe, by Walgreens Clearance Isle. The shoes are, of course, crushed Fanta cans I found on the way over. Think there’s still some meth inside. Want it?

Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: Affirmative.

(Heidi lifts her leg to Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot’s mouth hatch and pours. Several onlookers burst into flames)

Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: Can you tell us a little bit about your role on “Help, My Husband’s a Lamp”?

Heidi: I play KiKi Montalban, a high society debutante who comes home from a night of moneying only to find that a magic genie has turned my husband into a lamp. Our world gets turned upside down, because the magic genie also throws Earth out of orbit. So my lamp husband and I have to nail our daughter to the ceiling.

Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot: Why are you up for supporting actress?

Heidi: After the government-mandated celebrity culling last year, I had to also play our daughter.

Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot:Do you have more foot meth?

Heidi: Baby, I have ALL the foot meth.

(Heidi again lifts her leg up to feed Ryan Seacrest/Ricky Gervais hybrid Spider Robot and Jesus dies)

4 months ago  /  1 note